Is Love a Crime?

Been thinking about the recent judgement regarding section 377, an archaic law introduced during the British rule, and wondering why do we have a problem with love? Whether it's the moral policing that keeps occurring across the nation or the family structure with their boundaries of love and marriage defined between certain communities, religious beliefs, language, caste, orientation, and so on, why do we humans have so many prejudices?

Who are we to judge that a consensual act between two adults of the same gender is criminal, whereas marital rape isn't? From time immemorial, we seem to be having a problem with love. Love marriages were frowned upon but entering an arranged marriage and sleeping with a perfect stranger on your wedding night was acceptable. Love is like a dirty word. Doesn't exist. Something to be frowned upon. We are a nation of over 1.3 billion but sex doesn't happen. Babies are not an effect of procreation, it's god who gives us babies. We are in a perpetual state of denial about love and sex.

Back to section 377, it's sad that the individual rights and freedom of the (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) LGBT community are at stake not only in India but as per reports all over the world. Even in countries like France, New Zealand, and Singapore.

Been hearing the term "unnatural" quite a bit  and wonder what gives us the right to define an act of mutual consent between the same sex as unnatural. If someone has a different orientation from your own, does that make it unnatural. What's definitely criminal and unnatural is when force is used. If it's rape, child abuse, that's a crime. Then why is an act of mutual consent being considered a crime?

Another argument that keeps coming up against LGBT rights is that it's against our culture. If culture dictates that it involves disrespecting our fellow human beings, we need to do away with such culture. Whether it's the system of sati, caste system and child marriage, reformers have fought these social evils. Where is the sanctity of this so called culture that persecutes minorities based on gender, social strata, religious beliefs, orientation and so on. Even our mythological tales and carvings in our temples such as Khajuraho depict that the LGBT community existed and were accepted even in ancient times.

So why did we become so intolerant? What makes us so insensitive towards the choices and preferences of other individuals, if it doesn't match our own beliefs? When will we learn to live and let live, and let love that transcends all boundaries such as nationality, religion, color, caste, orientation flourish?

A Few Good Men

As the Tarun Tejpal controversy creates such outrage and spirals out of control in social media, I begin to wonder. It's shameful and though it terrifies us, depresses us, makes us question our beliefs and morals, aren't we in some way responsible for allowing such acts to happen in alarming frequency? Right from the time a child is born, the conditioning and discrimination begins. This divisiveness is not just restricted to the nationality, religion, caste, skin color, or the language one speaks but extends to gender, class, wealth and power too.

Folks are quick to blame the not so fortunate literates or those from the so called lower classes (yes, these class distinctions still exist in this land of an ever increasing gap between have and have-nots), but what do they have to say when the educated of our land with degrees from IITs, IIMs, and even Oxford, Stanford and Harvard engage in horrific misdemeanors and criminal activities such as corruption, exhortation, and exploitation of others. Can we really blame and pinpoint one social class when crime extends across all boundaries? The perpetrator can be from any background.

Now onto powerful men like Tejpal! History has been filled with powerful men who have choices! Some of them choose to use the power bestowed to them responsibly, whereas some misuse and twist it to meet their own desires. Aren't there thousands of Tarun Tejpals out there? In recent weeks, news of the judges and lawyers exploiting interns have rocked the nation. Now what makes them commit such acts? Does the heady sense of power intoxicate them and make them feel like they can manipulate and control anyone. And when they get away with their misdemeanors, does it make them more brazen that they continue their acts without fear and a care in the world as if they are kings of the world.

I think the need of the hour is to set up proper and adequate committees for every sector and organization to address any kind of issue, even those concerning folks at the top. After all, absolute power does make some folks immune to the system and that can be dangerous.

And do we really need a comparison with the Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky episode as I've seen in some tweets? While I am not here to preach on the morality and personal integrity of a person's character, and why they choose to cheat on their partners, wasn't that a case of mutual consent? It cannot be compared to this Tejpal incident where the young journalist repeatedly said no, but yet he persisted. For more on the case, check this link:
http://delhidurbar.in/tehelka-editor-facing-sexual-assault-allegations/

Hasn't it always been like this? Just as in the animal kingdom where the beasts stalk their prey, in the human kingdom, the rich and powerful prey on the weak or vulnerable sections. Some fight back, some don't.

As reports state, Tarun Tejpal's introductory speech during the THINKFEST 2011 had the lines, "You're in Goa, so eat, drink, make merry & sleep with whoever you want." What about consent, Mr. Tejpal?Irony is one of the taglines at the THINKFEST 2013 stated, "The beast lies within us."

While these beasts exist, it's also important to differentiate between the beasts and the few good men that exist on this planet. With similar incidents of molestation and abuse being reported in the media everyday, a friend of mine was lamenting that he's ashamed and scared of being an Indian man. I get that. It's important not to cast everyone in the same mold. We need to remember that for every beast out there, there also exist a few good men and men can be victims too.

Blue Blood

Waking up to social networking updates and news about the royal birth and that too a male heir to Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge and Prince William, I smile. Hate it or love it, the lives of the monarchy continue to fascinate us. Quite reminds me of the movies I've been watching in recent times about the nobility and aristocracy of England.

A movie that stayed in my mind was "The Duchess" based on the life of Georgiana Cavendish, the Duchess of Devonshire, who was quite a fashionista and created quite a scandal in the late 18th century. Keira Knightley does a brilliant job portraying the character of the Duchess and the trials and tribulations that she faced for not bearing a male heir till much later brings out the social prejudices prevalent. Not so different from the mindset of majority of our population in our nation where giving birth to a son is still paramount and female infanticide is pretty common.

This obsession with giving birth to boys reminds me of a whatsapp group conversation with our friend, Ashwini last week. The lengths people go through to have a male child. Apparently, since male baby causing sperms die very quickly, they work best only on the exact day of ovulation and the closer it is deposited to the cervix, the better the chances of fertilization, so there are techniques to get there. Several other superstitions abound such as eating asparagus before coitus (am too influenced by Sheldon  from TBBT these days) and not eating strawberries as they can cause a girl child to be born. Phew!

Back to the royals, the conservative nature and rigidness of the royal customs were and still are a sharp contrast to the infidelities and betrayal played out in their lives. Guess it was a kind of rebellion against very strict protocols. In modern times, it seems to continue going by the tabloid gossip of royal lives such as Prince Charles, Lady Diana, Prince Andrew, Sarah Ferguson and now Prince William and Prince Harry.

Our obsession with the monarchy remains even after we realize that all those fairy tales we read about finding our Prince Charming and living happily ever after is not so true. It sometimes takes a few takes before happily ever after such as in the case of Wallis Simpson, the American divorcee for whom King Edward abdicates the throne. If you watch the movie W.E. based on the life of King Edward VIII, you realize that it was not quite happily ever either. W.E. is a must-watch brilliant movie for those interested to get a sneak peek into the lives of royalty and is produced and directed by Madonna.

Talking about royalty, wonder why we still cling on to old institutions such as the monarchy that are inherited and not merit-based even in these times of so called democracy? Is it because there is something so romantic about the royal lineage that we hate to let go of archaic conventions our minds have grown so used to after reading all those stories of kings and queens across the world and spanning centuries?

Jiah Khan

Jiah Khan's suicide got me thinking. It's hard accepting lopsided relationships and it's true life's not fair. There are millions who go through unrequited love but does that mean one needs to resort to suicide? If a relationship doesn't work for you, shouldn't you just gracefully exit? We are so fixated on that one particular door that sometimes we fail to see the million other doors waiting to be discovered and explored. Isn't that true for so many of us?

I do agree it's sad that her life had to end this way. Similar to everyone else, when I first heard the news, I thought it was the pressure of living up to people's expectations and her dwindling career fortunes that made her take this drastic step. Been reading several articles, the ones that stayed with me were posts by Ramgopal Varma and Gul Panag. Reading their views, I kept thinking to myself was it worth dying for because she was still so young and had so much to live for.

Then as the day progressed, more news came trickling in about the suicide note, her dreams, hopes, despair, and a volatile, abusive relationship. He did sound quite an ill-mannered, brute of a ****head and deserves to be punished for abetment of suicide but still wondered was there really no other way out but suicide? Couldn't she have walked out on such a loser who showed her no respect? Living in modern, cosmopolitan Mumbai, weren't there options available for her to move on? Was she a prisoner under some bondage?

Aren't relationships all about adding some value to your life? Since this was clearly not working and he was abusive and insulting, wasn't it self-destructive on her part to stick around? I know it's tough at that point of time when one's mind is in turmoil and denial with all kinds of conflicting thoughts but the sensible thing to do would have been to walk out. Guess it's easy to think of possible solutions here, but then again how would we react if we went through the same intensity of the pain or emotions unless we put ourselves in her shoes! And that intensity or obsession called love can also be a dangerous killer where all good sense flies out of the window.

Reading her letter, it is sad thinking about the mental and physical trauma she had to go through at the hands of a clearly delusional and dangerous psychopath. And it's scary to think that there are so many of these psychopaths out there. They roam freely among us in all stratas of society. It's a gray area so nobody wants to acknowledge that such people require psychiatric care and counselling because that will mean admitting there is a problem. Some are so dangerous that they should be locked up. Even parents look the other way and treat it as bad temper or immaturity when their offspring is actually a threat to society. Though this is violent and unacceptable behavior, there is a thin line so it's still not considered a crime. Having known and heard of so many friends, acquaintances, and strangers who have undergone similar abuse and trauma, wonder if there is some way we can reach out and help such folks caught in these hopeless situations. Shouldn't there be awareness created of such offenders?

It's a VIP World

The ongoing developments of the recent brawl where two techies were beaten up by Ram Charan's bodyguards just reiterates that this nation is of the VIP, by the VIP, and for the VIP. The techies are too scared to even file a case though there are pictures showing the brutality of the bodyguards but it's not hard to figure out why. It's a VIP land where commoners are bullied into submission, the cops fail to protect you, and the judiciary doesn't provide justice. Instead, the guilty can go scot free, whereas innocent folks are made to look guilty or facts are twisted as is being done in this case. From the time this incident was reported, every day there’s a new twist. Made me remember this incident that occurred last year where his VIP dad's entourage bullied us off the road.

We were on our way to Novotel for a friend's farewell dinner and were waiting in this unusually long queue of cars near the Hitex Exhibition Centre around 2-3 kms from the hotel, when we heard these loud blaring sirens. We turn around to see this fleet of VIP cars hurtling towards the queued cars, and cops in motor bikes telling everyone to get off the road. Many started arguing and Joy refused to move as there was no space due to the long line of cars ahead of us, but these burly mean looking bodyguards appeared and started knocking on the windows demanding that we get out of there. There followed a loud, heated argument and things began to turn a little nasty, so I convinced Joy to reverse and move out of the way. We finally reached the hotel 15-20 minutes later to find that it was Chiranjeevi's cavalcade that had shoved us off the road because he had to attend a music launch hosted by Maa TV. Was telling Joy thank goodness he moved coz if not there may have been a similar incident as the one involving those two techies.

This incident raises a lot of questions. Do our politicians and stars deserve such royal treatment? Is it right for them to get such privileges when ordinary citizens have a struggle commuting through those same roads? When they are so incompetent at their jobs, should we elevate them to such undeserved status thus moving them even further from ground realities.They are elected to power to bring in improvements and positive change, but end up using the system for their own benefits. How can we expect them to understand citizen issues when they don’t face the same because they are bestowed with special privileges. Roads are cleared for them even for non-emergencies such as a music launch or dining out at Chutney’s. Do they truly deserve these benefits especially since they are blatantly misusing the power and authority bestowed on them?

I personally feel that the only vehicle that deserves special treatment on the roads is an ambulance carrying a patient. Last Friday when we were on our way to dinner around 7:30 in the evening, we were in a traffic jam around a km away from the busy Jubilee Hills traffic signal, when we hear sirens. We turn around to see this ambulance stuck because there was just nowhere to move in that peak hour traffic. We wondered how a path could be created for the ambulance to cross that busy stretch, which was choc-a-bloc with cars. Joy asked an auto guy to help clear the way and it was heartening to see how in a couple of minutes, a crowded jam-packed stretch was cleared to give the ambulance passage. While our screen heroes and politicians disappoint and act like privileges are their birthright, it's the extraordinary citizens who are the real heroes everyday.

Mother's Day

Suffering from finger fatigue these days and thought I would keep away from writing this weekend but the string of quotes on my timeline across networking sites forces me to write my thoughts on this gimmick called "Mother's Day". Seriously, what's with the commodification of the "Mommy"? The most hyped and abused term these days. On one side, you have folks singing odes and on the other it's the vile that's spewed using that name. As someone said on my Twitter TL today: "Made Mom read the TL. She was so happy reading those Mother's Day tweets. Until a tweet containing 'Motherf******' popped up.

I've known folks who revere their Moms to an unrealistic infinity quick to use such terms. Isn't it a sham? I know most of us love our Moms but is it also fair to "commodify" Moms as hyped by our movies from time immemorial and now continued by these marketing campaigns to sell their wares? Even Anna Jarvis who first conceptualized Mother's Day was disillusioned with it's commercialization in later years.

Mom or not, aren't we all humans with a mix of virtues and vices? No person is truly perfect and especially not that scheming Mom, a son absolutely adores, but who is quick to defile and harm a new woman entering his life. Or the ones who may have knowingly abandoned their kids. Am not talking about the folks for whom circumstances may have forced them to abandon their kids, but the ones who don't give a damn after producing one.

Thinking about it, it's their choice after all whether they want to abandon or keep their kids and who knows we are not saints either before we judge anyone, but don't we need to be a little sensitive before going around posting inspirational photos such as: "I've got the best Mom in the world". It not only creates unrealistic expectations and do you mean the billion other Moms in this universe are not good enough? How do you define "the best"?

Also, what about the Dads? Even though there is a father's day, I never see so many odes being written to them. I've seen some amazing Dads, including my Oz bestie's hub (will not name them lest I embarrass them) who may put even some Moms to shame so why elevate only a mom - child relationship to a godly one? I know that someone may spew that dialogue of not knowing coz I've not experienced carrying a child in my womb for 9 months. However, I love my Mom and Dad equally and am grateful to my Dad for the most amazing childhood and for all that he has given me. It would absolutely not be fair to put down his care and affection just coz he did not carry me in his womb.

Even if Joy and I did decide to spawn kids, which we still don't, and are happy about our decision seeing the current state of affairs in the world, I know we would be mature enough to accept the love from our kids rather than have this superior mother-child bond that overshadows all relationships including the one with the dad. Each relationship is special in it's own way and I would not like to put down one over the other. I know many of you will not agree with my views but that's okay. My views are meant to reflect what I think and feel and doesn't aim to please . :)

For me, every relationship is special, and every day is a day for my loved ones be it my Mom, Dad, aunts, uncles, extended family, cousins, friends, and so on and not just coz some moron somewhere wants to peddle their wares or elevate a certain relationship to an unrealistic pedestal.

Saas Bahu versus Sitcoms

Just a random thought. Wonder why saas bahu (MIL-DIL) serials are so popular in India? Why do we not have sitcoms such as Two and a Half Men, The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother and so on? Is it a reflection of our so called repressive culture and society that glorify medieval customs such as karva chauth with their portrayal and stereotyping of an ideal bahu? Are these serials also leading to an over active imagination where folks start taking these plots seriously and imagine they are victims of such behavior in their real lives too? Wonder if it is because of these soaps that I hear of incidents such as a mom-in-law chopping off her daughter-in-law's tresses while she is sleeping.

We Are Squeaky Clean Indians

A few days ago, after dining at the food court in Inorbit, I visit the washroom and find this beautiful well-dressed lady applying make-up. Her 2-3 year old daughter is whining in Punjabi that she wants to pee. The lady lifts her daughter and sets her over the wash basin right next to where I am washing my hands and tells her to pee. I am shocked and disgusted but control my anger and politely tell her that there are 10-12 loos that she can take her daughter to pee in. She angrily retorts that she is only a baby and how does it matter. I tell her she may be a baby in her eyes but it is unhygienic and definitely not the place. I really think a crash course on peeing etiquette for kids is required since such parents exist. She retorts angrily that she can do what she wants and her child's pee is pure as they drink milk only so what's the big fuss. I lose it and tell her that a 2-3 year olds piss may be pure and drinkable for her but definitely not for me. I have no intention of viewing kids pee, pure or not, over wash basins and as a parent she needs to teach her kid the right etiquette and manners. She gets offended and starts abusing me but I leave as my friends are waiting and don't bother to retort as a crowd joins in and takes over.

Well, that triggered off this post. :) We were taught in school that cleanliness is next to godliness. That euphemism cannot be lost in context of our squeaky clean nation! Cleanliness for us means treating any place outside our homes including shopping malls, movie halls, parks, roads as the great Indian dustbin. Cleanliness also means expecting others to clean up for us. After all, India is a nation of servants where the poor and underprivileged are expected to clear up for the rich folks.

We crib about the filth and tend to blame it on illiteracy and the poor. Are the educated and rich not contributing to the great Indian trash pile at all? We see trash everywhere, outside apartment complexes, flying out of building windows, car windows, and any other nook and crevice possible. Literate parents, when out in a public place, conveniently give up their snobbish spic and span avatar to don an ugly Indian avatar. Suddenly these perfect mommas forget all about their ‘class’ and ‘upbringing’ and encourage their kids to trash anywhere and everywhere. In malls, I've seen parents wipe their kids’ fingers or some other part of their anatomy and throw the tissue paper right there on the ground despite the presence of numerable bins placed at convenient locations. Where is literacy involved in this trashing? I recently saw this message on the Facebook page of one of the apartment complexes in town. A flat owner publicly requested parents to ensure that their kids do not pee on the lawns where people play games, stroll, or sit on the grass. Despite the washrooms being right next to the swimming pool, parents encourage their kids to leave their urinary signature in the pool instead of ensuring they inculcate good habits. Is this some kind of territory marking akin to the dogs?

I see our watchman trying his best to keep our building clean and clearing garbage every morning but who is there to help. Folks upstairs throw litter outside their windows not caring that there are people who live downstairs or that they are littering the garden. They don't care or take it for granted that others will clean up for them. One fine Saturday night I even saw a whiskey bottle hanging on the branches of the tree outside my window. Yes, we are very proud and clean Indians, aren't we?

Even our clean, green, manicured office environment is not spared. Hordes of empty tea and coffee cups, cigarette butts, and discarded snack packets are found lying everywhere regardless of the umpteen dustbins all over the campus. So who is to blame for all this litter? Do we still blame the poor for not clearing the trash we generate or do we inculcate clean habits of disposing of one's own trash?

Last night, we were at our friend's place and he was telling us how they have been trying to implement various green measures at his workplace, one of the world's premier IT company where the choicest of folks come from the best educational institutions. One of the green measures was to reduce wastage of natural resources by getting rid of paper cups and introducing ceramic mugs in the pantry for their employees use. Even then the logistics of it has been immense because people don't return those used mugs to its rightful place after using them. You can spy those mugs lying all across the campus from the car park to the lawns and almost every nook and cranny possible. It has turned out to be a gigantic logistics issue for the service staff to go and hunt all across their large sprawling campus for those tea and coffee mugs. It has even been found in people's homes and in the outside railing of an apartment complex.

All this trashing also makes me wonder if we are turning out to be a wasteful generation due to the use and throw policy prevalent these days. Earlier, things were built to last and you would see furniture and crockery being reused and passed down from one generation to the next.. The older generations believed in recycling whether it was those empty glass jars for pickles and jams, or the milk packets and newspapers, or old clothes that would be sewn as a patchwork quilt. Even the refrigerators and toasters and other appliances were built to last.

However, in these instant times, where new is better, we are quick to generate waste way more quickly than the previous generations. It is futile wondering what kind of planet we are leaving for future generations. Our planet has over 7 billion humans generating colossal amounts of garbage, exploiting the earth’s resources in numerous ways, and contributing to the extinction of several species. The harm being caused to our environment is simply unimaginable. We now live in a fast moving consumerist age where people dispose off gadgets faster than clothes or until the next version of that phone hits the market.

Is this craze for new justified? What exactly are we chasing? Do we really need that many gizmos in a lifetime? Isn't this a dangerous trend in terms of the colossal amount of waste? Well, guess that's a different topic for another day.

Assault on Women - A Reflection of our Society?

The last few days my mind has been plagued with many thoughts and questions, but sadly there are no answers. The events of sexual assaults against women reported in the media are intensely gruesome and defy logic or explanation. To say the least, it is extremely disturbing to imagine the reality of the nation that we live in.

Are such acts the true reflection of the mindset of our extremely narrow-minded, frustrated, judgmental, and hypocritical society? What makes some men behave the way they do and commit such gruesome acts? Is this part of our 5000 year old culture where acts of intimidation through brute force against women seem to be the accepted norm just like the evil practice of dowry that exists even today? Though there have been many such incidents, what has been shocking are these two cases that have rocked our nation the last few days.

The first was the horrifying ordeal of two teenage school girls who were raped in broad daylight by 15 men. One of the guys threatened to drink poison if she didn't meet him so the girl in a state of panic took her cousin along and went to that designated spot. What followed was sheer trauma for those two helpless schoolkids. They were intercepted by a gang of men, dragged to a field and raped. Hearing the commotion, some men working in the fields nearby came to see what was happening. Instead of saving the girls, they too joined in the act. This was just so shocking that such animals exist in our society and my heart goes out to to those two young girls who had to undergo such trauma at the hands of these beasts. There are so many questions but so few answers as to why such acts happen. Did they deserve to be raped? Absolutely not. Did they ask for it? No. Then why did it occur? Maybe to satisfy some sadistic inner frustration of some men? Or could be some base animal instinct to subjugate and torture the girls? Or maybe a clash of some deep-rooted hypocritical morals that exist in our society? So many questions but barely any answers to find out the cause why this disgusting, shameful incident had to occur.

Then there was this other incident in Kolkata where a 37 year old lady was raped at gun point in a moving car and later dumped. When she went to report the incident, the cops made lewd remarks about her drinking and partying, one of the ministers questioned her character and the honorable CM saw a political conspiracy behind the rape. Ms. CM, you being a woman, what would have won you accolades would have been if you had addressed the issue in the right manner, visited the victim, heard her story and offered heartfelt empathy for the trauma she has undergone, promised all the help and support to nab the accused.

No one was blaming you, Ms. CM. We all know that this act was committed by some mentally sick men and all that we expected from you was support in ensuring speedy justice and punishing the wrong-doers. This was your chance to prove that safety of women in Kolkata was of paramount importance to you and if such acts occur, a quick and strong punishment will be delivered that would serve as a lesson to all men so that they never think of committing such an act ever.

This was also a chance for your administration to prove that women can come forward and report such crimes without fear of undergoing more trauma under the hands of the administration. I salute this lady because her fight is not only for the safety of women in Kolkata but for the nation at large.

I think what has been more disturbing is the mindset and attitude towards the rape victim where she is treated like a criminal for a crime that's been committed against her. So kudos to this brave lady for her courage in taking this fight forward despite the slander against her character and the accusations that have been thrown around. She is divorced with two teenage kids. So what? If someone is a divorcee, does it give men a license to rape her? She frequents pubs and drinks? Isn't this hypocritical? Men can frequent bars and if a woman wants to go out for a drink, she is automatically stereotyped as available. Did she deserve to be raped for visiting a pub? No. And as a friend of mine Serena pointed out, even if she did take a lift from these educated well-to-do men of Kolkata, does it give them the right to rape her at gun point and then dump her? Absolutely not. A rape is still a crime and it is shocking that this crime permeates through all sections of our society.

So question is wherein lies the problem? It's definitely not the woman coz as we have seen irrespective of the clothes a woman wears, her racial profile, looks, or class, she can still be a victim. Isn't the deep-rooted problem with the men who commit such acts of subjugation and terror against women? Who are these men? Why do they go around raping women? What pleasure do they derive from such a cruel act?

We need to delve into the psyche of these men and try to find out why they are the way they are? Is there something wrong with the conditioning of our society where Moms and sisters can be elevated to a goddess status untouched by sex and there lies the other world where every other woman is available in their eyes? Is it a problem with our movies, whether it is the regional movies or Bollywood, eve teasing has always been shown as cool and happening? Do you think the depiction of women in these movies could have led to this mindset? What is wrong with our censor board who approved the display of such violence against women in our movies but shy away from natural acts of love like a simple kiss preferring instead to show the union of two roses or an umbrella appearing from nowhere leaving it to the viewer's imagination.

So many questions but no easy answers. Isn't there an inherent problem in our society as denoted in our movies and lives? Is there some kind of conflict in people's minds that leads to such sexual crimes against women? Don't the laws need to be overhauled and made more stringent so that wrongdoers are given such hefty punishments that will deter others from committing such a crime? There are no words to describe such barbaric acts but don't we need to address these issues before it spreads even further? Any solutions to prevent such crimes and make this world a safer place for all women?

At the time of writing this blog, several other rape cases were reported in the media. A young girl in Noida, a widowed mother of two in West Bengal and several others. Mamata Banerjee continues to blame the opposition CPM for the other three cases reported as well.

Alcohol, Drugs, and Social Networking - Is there something in common?

Lately, I have heard alot of folks asking whether there are any adverse effects of social networking. Well, it is nice that we get to connect with long lost friends and get to read celeb's tweets first hand but on the flip side it can also go way out of control. What starts as simple networking becomes a dangerous addiction where you forget everything else and this becomes your life. You start living a virtual life and it becomes increasingly difficult to connect to the real world because you are so busy leading your online avatar.

I know it sounds a little dramatic (it did to me too) but most of us wouldn't even recognize the signs till someone tells us. A few signs that you are an addict:

- Do you check your tweets, updates, mails the first thing after waking up? (I check my updates the first thing I wake up with the quilt over my head so that the light from the phone doesn't wake Joy)

- Do you get anxiety pangs and feel lonely when you do not receive any comments, messages or mails? (a friend today mentioned that the height of loneliness is to wake up and find that there are no messages in ur inbox, phone and wall)

- Do you feel the need to announce everything and anything that is happening in your life? (updating what you are having for dinner, or updating your current location such as which restaurant, mall or outlet you are currently visiting for a meal, shopping etc etc)

- Do you forget the time and tasks at hand because you are so busy texting that you are not aware that the time has flown by? (you log in thinking you will take a quick peek before heading out to buy groceries or some other stuff and a few hours later you realize you are still online and lost track of time and it's too late now as stores would have closed for the day or you've been so busy networking that dinner is burnt)

- Are you out for a movie or dinner with friends and spend most of the time checking your updates or texting? (gone for several movies where I landed up texting instead of watching the movie...but then will blame it solely on the movie. :P The movie has to be good enough to divert me from the interesting updates happening on my home page courtesy my friends. Another incident I can think of is where we are out for dinner with friends and we spend alot of time texting each other on our phones)

- Do you refresh your Twitter or FB page atleast 100 times a day and get anxiety pangs when you are in a situation where it's been over an hour due to network connectivity or some other unavoidable circumstances and you are unable to check your updates and messages and that's driving you crazy? (I read somewhere that this is similar to alcohol or drug addiction where you get severe pangs being away from social network sites for too long)

- Do you feel the need to check your updates the last thing before u fall asleep and several times thereafter (there have been days when I've headed off to sleep at 1130 pm and at 1:30 - 2 am when Joy enters the room am still texting)

- Do you feel attracted towards someone who pulls at your emotional quotient with words? You may have never met that person or sometimes barely met that person but you immediately feel a connect coz of the situation you are currently in and that person described exactly how you were feeling at that point of time or something about the words took you back to the past and expressed a deeper, nostalgic yearning for something lost or long gone. Well, most social networking addicts suffer from logophilia where you feel such an emotional connect with words that at times you may get addicted to the writer. We may like what the other person has to say but what we need to understand is that person is writing for an audience similar to real life where we all like to put our best foot forward. Not to take away anything from the writer. They may be genuine and at other times, it may be a "copy-paste" but we have to be aware that it is a virtual world after all and what someone writes online may not necessarily depict who they are in real life. We all try to emulate certain ideals that we have in our head but reality can be a little different.

Well, now that I think of it, I don't want to disappoint singletons or those looking out for love through social networking sites either so who knows it may work and you may meet the match of your dreams through social networking too though personally don't know of any social networking romances yet. However, who knows with the popularity of these sites, this may be the latest avenue to matrimony and finding a partner online. :D

Yup, the list is endless and am sure there are loads more from your own experience. Someone was even mentioning that social networking is spawning an entire generation of narcissists and attention seeking individuals, for example, the frequent DP changes. So what do we do? If you have determination and a strong will power here's what you can try doing:

- Try and give priority to your real life rather than your virtual avatar.
- Limit your networking time for a few hours everyday; maybe allot a specific time which is convenient.
- Enroll yourself in some other social activities that interest you, try and read a book, watch a movie or go for a walk.
- Get rid of your smartphone. Tough in today's fast-paced world but just a suggestion for those who can. :)

If all this doesn't work, GET HELP! :) Are there any Social Network De-addiction centres around? I think I may open one if no one does having been there, done that, researched so much about it, and hopefully recovered from my addiction. Well, I can at least share my experiences and maybe help others recover too. Just saying, have no such plans as of now. ;)

As my ex-classmate from school mentioned: "No more social networking sites please. I'd rather meet people, see their beautiful smiles, dine with them and chat with them."

Maybe, a few of us are forgetting the simple pleasures of life and it's time to get out of this virtual world to our real lives. :)

Of Smokers, Drinkers, and Husbands!

Over the years, I have played matchmaker several times. Some have worked, some for a while and some not at all. I cant help but notice the diverse expectations one has about an ideal life partner, if such a thing exists. Yes, there are many successful relationships but to make it successful there is alot of hard work and compromises some minor, some major. However, letting go of these prejudices and little quirks, and learning to be more accepting do go a long way. It's not like a successful marriage falls into your lap; you need to tweak a marriage to suit your requirements.

Beyond the euphoria of love defined by candlelit romances, dinners, chocolates, a harsh reality exists. There exists a world where there are daily chores to be attended to, family commitments to be tended to, inlaws to appease, jobs to go to and so on. When that reality hits, some get a rude shock and discover that a marriage is much more than a Mills and Boon's romance as one of my friends recently discovered.

Relationships are complex and dependent on various factors such as an individual's attitude, disposition or outlook towards life, and ability to negotiate, act or handle oneself across various situations when playing the role of a partner.

I was talking to a bachelorette friend a few weeks ago and she was telling me her expectations from her future life partner. She wanted a partner who did not smoke or drink as she considered these traits marriage unworthy. That got me thinking. Does a person who is not a boozer or a smoker make a better life partner? I wouldn't know as the men in my life have these vices and as human beings they are accepting, respectful, and tolerant towards the women in their life. So just wondering how different is it on the other side? Do these traits of drinking and smoking accurately define how a person is in other aspects of his life?

Mama's Boys

This post is especially for those Mama's boys who have troubled so many of my dear girlfriends. :D Now that I have said that, let me begin my story. A school friend had a very nice status update today on Facebook. She said that every morning her son tells her he has a surprise for her and picks flowers for her. She does not have the heart to refuse such a lovely gesture though she is allergic to those flowers and would rather sneeze than stop receiving flowers from her son.

As usual my honest self, I found that very sweet and replied saying: "Thats a big compliment from your son. You are his favorite girl atleast for now. Enjoy this phase." Then some guy who I do not know comments: "how can mamma not be the favorite person in a guys life.. inevitable...." Now that comment made my dull day a little more interesting and made me sit up and take notice of this dude.

Those who know me, know my love for such topics and debates. :D We would not be deluged with those umpteen Ekta Kapoor saas bahu sagas if only some men knew when and how to cut the umbilical cord. I say "some men" because I have met several men who are able to transition from Mama to girlfriend to wife or wives smoothly and are definitely not Mama's boys. So I retorted: "Well I don't know about Mama's boys, but I know for sure that I am my hubby's favorite. :P

I say that coz Joy and I have ensured that we do not involve or allow our family to intrude in our personal space whether it is something related to our home, the issue of kids et al. And so far they have given us that space so no reason to complain. This does not in any way take away from the fact that we love our parents. We adore them and will always be there for them but life goes on and in a marriage there is no space for a 3rd person especially a MIL. I say MIL coz most of the break-ups I see these days are because of interfering, domineering MILs and sometimes the sons also add to the wife's misery and do nothing to help.

There are different phases in life and some men have just not been able to make that transition smoothly from boyhood to manhood. As Shakespeare said:
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and entrances and each man plays many parts.
His acts being seven ages.
At first, the infant, mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
Then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel and shining morning face, creeping like snail unwillingly to school.
And then the lover, sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad made to his mistress' eyebrow."

This transition can be extremely difficult for some men who refuse to grow up and leave their Mama's lap.

A very dear friend of mine had a tough time when she got married and moved to another continent because her MIL was omni-present though she lived half-way across the world. The day began with the son calling her in the morning and having a chat and telling her his day's schedule. Then the MIL would give instructions to my friend over voice chat as to what vegetables and what brand of groceries to buy, and dictate what to cook for their daily meals. Since the webcam would be on, the MIL would even inspect the house and give general tips and gyaan about home management. They could never spend time together as a couple coz the son's schedule revolved around his chats with his Mom morning and evening before he left for work and after he returned from work. The son was suffering from a serious bout of Oedipus complex. Definitely should have married his Mom.

I know grown 30 plus men who are still fed by their Moms and Mommy still brings them a glass of milk like she did when the guy was young. Dude, grow up and stop acting like such an overgrown man-kid. Another friend was telling me how her MIL refuses to accept her presence in her son's life and considers her a witch. Whenever my friend visits her MIL in India, the MIL has often tried some tantrik stuff on her. The "saas" hides these beads and strange stuff below the mattresses whenever they are visiting so first thing my friend has to do after a long tiring flight is clean up the room and remove all those strange objects and then only can she relax. Well, will cover MILs in another post.

Coming back to the topic of Mama's boys, women do not mind if guys have a healthy relationship with their Mom. It is only when the son panders to his Mom's every wish, which includes even unreasonable ones, allows the Mom to dictate and gives her that space to intrude in their relationship, and elevates her to an unfair pedestal where she can do no wrong that the problem starts. After all no woman wants to be in a situation where she has to compete with the MIL every step of the way in a relationship.

Lastly, I had to add this bit. My friend's response on her status update to that comment was this: "Personally I dont mind passing my title on to someone else...I would worry if he is a mama's boy." :) Wish all Moms were as generous as this. The world would have been a nicer place for "bahus". :P

Perceptions, Vegans and Boyfriends

It has been a mission for a few team members at work to get Gita to put on weight, eat non-veg and get married though not necessarily in that order.

So today after lunch, the ribbing started as usual. To try and show how people are adaptable and can change given the circumstances, Asra told us an interesting story. Her sister who is currently studying in the US has a vegan roommate (let us call her Roomie) who considered non-veg the ultimate sin and absolutely refused to have anything to do with it starting the day she was born.

Anyways, the story goes like this. As days went by, Roomie started finding it difficult to cope with living expenses as well as college fees. So Ms. Roomie decided to look for a job. Recession had struck and jobs were almost non-existent. However, Roomie managed to find a job in a restaurant where the task was to chop whole chicken into pieces. Everyone who knew her were surprised when she accepted the job and wondered how she would adapt. Every evening when she would return from work, Roomie's flat mates would ask her the numbers she had chopped that day. The numbers were never less than 100.

Gradually, Roomie progressed from chopping chicken to baking non-veg pizzas in the same restaurant. :) She even got over her inhibitions and started eating chicken gravy with rice and mastered the art of deftly removing chicken pieces from the gravy.

We all wondered how dire the circumstances must have been for a pure vegan to take up this job which several non-vegans too would baulk at. Based on the story so far, we started visualising a girl from a traditional, conservative middle class family trying to make ends meet as a student far away from her home country.

After a while, Asra continued with the story. It seems Roomie had a BF. There were several nights after hanging out with Roomie, BF wanted to stay over. However, Roomie's 3 flat mates refused to allow BF to stay overnight. Similar to Roomie's rule: No non-veg, they had a rule: No men allowed. Lol! Can this get more complicated?

Since her BF was not allowed to stay over, she would book a room in a hotel nearby the nights he visited. Now hotels are expensive especially for a student. So that's how Roomie was unable to manage her expenses, went broke and resorted to chopping chicken.

So where does perception figure in this? Well, it was the picture of Roomie I created in my mind after hearing the first part of her story. When I heard the circumstances, I was shocked as it went against the image I had formed. That made me realize how powerful, fluid and deceptive perceptions can be. Did you feel the same way? What was your perception? Any thoughts?

Trials and Tribulations of being DINK

Been feeling weird since I got back from vacation. Work has been crazy and despite the long, busy hours and a recent holiday, I feel the need for a change. It could be the travel bug as I am extremely restless and want to travel, meet new people and hear their stories.

Been reading a friend's blog on unmarried women over 30 and a link she posted on how they can be more resourceful and self sufficient than their married counterparts. Gets me thinking. The world can be so judgemental about a lot of things from single women, divorces, extra-marital affairs (despite Tiger Woods remaining the world's greatest golfer) and so on. So many issues, society likes to talk about and pass judgement on. That's the way of this world. :)

In India, parents worry about getting their daughters married before they are 30. It does not matter that their daughters have flourishing careers and have done so well professionally but if you are not married, you are "not settled" however great your accomplishments. I personally feel, it is better to be single and happy than be in a bad marriage.

Well, single women are not the only one with their woes. Joy and I decided long ago even before we got married that we want to be DINKs. But who is to listen and respect your decision. Nosey relatives, interfering neighbors all land up and try to give us advice on the pitfalls of not having kids. Some of them are downright nasty and act as if they are superior simply because they have a brood of mannerless brats that is no neighbor's envy, others pass comments saying "you will repent in your old age and you won't realize it now but later" and others assume "that well you will change your mind later on". An ex-colleague was really nasty and told me with scorn that I am not a woman since I am not having kids. And that same colleague went on to a marriage where she was a virtual prisoner and had to cut off ties with all her friends and family.

People dont understand that if we have lessons to learn, it is for us to learn. Even if we do regret our decision so be it. But I don't think it is upto any person to tell us what is right or wrong and impose their ideas on us. Aah, the expectations from others. Joy and I have learnt to take such comments in our stride. We keep trying to come up with innovative reasons as to why we are not having kids. From population control to being impotent to bad genes, we say anything that catches our fancy at that point of time.

If people have no respect for a mutual decision made by two adults, then so be it. We can be difficult too. ;-) And the strangest thing is that it's usually the women who interfere and give us unwarranted advice. Me thinks a part of them are jealous coz they envy our independence. We love the emotional, mental and financial freedom that comes with it so each to his own.

Please note that this article is not for my lovely friends, family and wellwishers who have been so supportive of our decision. I still love your kids. It is only for those who have been nasty, interfering and judgemental about our so called barren state. ;-) Whew! I feel so much better already as if I've got a load off my back. Now am off to work.